The Feeler Teacher

If you have spent any amount of time with me, it does not take long to figure out that I am an emotionally based person. What I mean by that is that the way I think of different situations, different people, and myself is often based upon how I feel at any given moment. As a result, an average day in my life often resembles a roller coaster ride.

I go up the track with a great conversation with my roommate before I leave for school. I come crashing down when I realize that there's not enough time to fix the school copier that I jammed with the overhead I sent down from my computer and everyone who was using the copier goes to their rooms pissed. I go back up when I see my kids working quietly and singing along to the Christmas program music. Then after this rush of pride, it gets knocked down when the PE teacher tells me that they were completely awful. But then I feel better about myself when I read an encouraging/humorous e-mail from a colleague. However, it only takes one disdainful look in the lunch room that makes me think that I am a horrible teacher and why am in this profession? I suck at life.

And that's kinda how I left school yesterday. Misunderstood, disheartened, and depressed. I am thankful to be in a place now where I feel understood, at home, and with familiar faces. It is good that Thanksgiving is almost here. I need time with my family, as that is a different roller coaster track. But I don't think that it will solve my problems as a Feeler Teacher.

As I contemplated my feelings left over from the day before, I found myself festering over the moments that left me frustrated and in self-doubt. I realized that these moments bother me not necessarily because they were valid, but because I disappointed another.

Hi my name is Betsy, and I'm a People Pleaser.

This is the bane of my existence. I worry and fret over whether or not everyone is happy. I run from conflict, and try to appease all whom I encounter. When I cannot please everyone, I am left feeling like I am worth nothing, and question my capabilities. It's not right, I shouldn't do it, but I do.

The Feeler Teacher is one who will have a very rough existence if the People Pleaser in them cannot be controlled. I know that I am young, and still learning how to experience life with these vices, but I also know that with the knowledge, comes the responsibility and power to control. This is what I must focus my energies on, and learn how to not let my feelings control me, as a person or as a teacher.

Does Jr. High Ever End?

You can ask just about anyone, and they'll tell you that at some point throughout their 6th-8th grade years of life, things got a little rough. If you're a girl, you probably went through that awkward I-don't-know-what-to-do-with-my-hair, I'm-not-sure-how-to-wear-make up, what-the-heck-do-I-wear phase, coupled with shopping for new cup sizes when you just got used to that training bra. If you're a guy, I'm speculating you went through something like what-the-heck-just-came-out-of-my-mouth-that-can't-be-my-voice, along with I-wonder-how-far-I-can-get-this-zit-to-shoot-out-of-my-face, and coming to the realization that girls are more than an alien species on the planet.

Along with all these changes, there was the inevitable drama. Girls not talking to other girls because so-and-so likes the number one hottie at camp, and is flirting non-stop with him even though her bff just broke up with him and can't believe that so-and-so is even talking to him, therefore none of the girls are talking to so-and-so because of this, at least not in front of the bff.

If you are male, and none of this made any sense to you, here's the reader's digest version: girl won't tell her friend that she's upset. Now, guys aren't completely Innocent here... but they typically don't carry a grudge like a girl. The sad thing is, I'm seeing this kind of behavior continued throughout life.

High school, college, and even now that I'm "grown up," I still see it. People who are inconsiderate, making others upset, and neither party will fix it, but rather are quite content letting it fester and grow out of proportion.

And so my question is, and still remains to be answered, does Jr. High ever end???

Writing: What's Important.

I taught a lesson today in writing. You know those lessons which grow greater and greater in the moment from the seed called a lesson plan? I experienced that today. We're at a transition point in writing right now. My kids have completed descriptive pieces, narrative, and a choice piece. We're back to a choice piece right now... and I wanted my kids to grasp the idea that writer's write for a bigger purpose, not just to put words down on a page, but to actually say something in their pieces, something important.

So I had them start out with listing things that just drive them crazy, giving a few examples of my own to start them, such as people intentionally hurting others. That drives me crazy! And so the kids listed things that drove them crazy. Then they shared with each other some of the things that they listed. The next thing I had them list were things that they loved, or were important to them. Again I shared to get them started, telling them that family is really important to me, how those people will be there in the end whether or not you like it.

And off they went! My kids started generating ideas, wondering about how they were going to write it, whether in narrative form or poetry, or even descriptive. It was great having them come up to me saying, I want to write about soccer, but I'm not sure how to do it. Yes! Finally, my kids are getting how to be a writer! I'm excited to see where they go from here.

Home: Where Will it be Next?

Do you remember the first time you went back home for a break from school, and suddenly it hit you; home wasn't home anymore. That happened to me this past weekend. Only I didn't go back to my parent's house, the place where I spent all of my childhood and adolescent years. Instead this venture "back" was to my old stomping grounds at Grace College.

Strangely enough, I spent no time on campus. I looked out a window to the welcome sign. I peered out my car, remember the days of turning in student teaching journals to Mount Memorial. I gazed at the lawn which I had walked so many times traveling to and from classes. I remembered, all the memories of years gone past.

And it hit me. As I sat surrounded by friends who live near and far away, listening to the music of those I graduated with, this was no longer my home away from home.

For so long, for so many years, I envisioned and pictured my life after college as one established in the community that I was growing found and a part of. Others recognized this as well, or else I wouldn't have received the senior superlative of "Most Likely to Raise a Family in Warsaw." And yet, that's not where my life has taken me. And sitting there, with the bass of the music pulsating through my body, I understood that I was no longer one who belonged to this place. My life has moved on.

Later in the evening, as a group of us sat around a table munching on chips and salsa and sipping margaritas, I was confronted with another sad reality. One of those sitting at the table, whom I had not seen in over a year, asked if I had any friends where I was living. Blinking once, then twice, I had to respond with an answer, not only to the one who asked the question, but to myself. No. I do not have any friends where I currently reside.

Now that's not saying much, the town where I live has a population of just over 3000, and the average age is 30+. However, coming from a town 7 X's greater than this... it's a little depressing. And so I'm left to wonder... what will happen to me if I stay here?

I don't know what the future will hold. But I do know that I will continue to teach. That, is something that I know I am called to do. Where, is a question I will continue to ask, so that someday soon, I will know where home will be next.