Contentment I Cry

The emptiness burrows down,
deep.
the hollow pit drags the heart into despair.

Never.
Never will it be.
Never will it happen for me.

Lies.
All of them.
Or are they...

Day passes Day,
Night consumes the tears.
The "lies" become reality bit by bit.

My arms are bare.
My hands empty.
My heart hardened.

Others pass by,
My smile is slapped on.
To dam the pain and tears.

Contentment I cry,
Will you never be mine?

Why do I run after your elusive trail?
I dig my heels in.
Freezing all motion.

Is it here, where I am?
Is it there, where I am not?
Is it all in imagination?

An illusion
That all is well
That all is as it should be.

And yet,
I can't shake it.
Despair, despondent, disillusioned.

Contentment, I cry.
Will you ever be mine.

Came to be.

Have you ever wondered about how you came to be? Not in a The Bird and The Bees sort of way, but rather how you came to be in the place you are today, or how about the person you turned out to be at this very moment? I find myself in continual amazement over the series of events, the encounters with various individuals, which have so greatly influenced my life.

For instance, if it were not for my sister, I don't think I would have ever learned to control my temper. I can still travel back in my mind to a moment where I gave into my lesser-self (as I like to think of it) and was blind with overly-emotional anger. No matter how long I reflect in this memory, I cannot unearth the reason for this frustration. What I do recall is taking a small alarm clock from my bedroom and hurtling it through the hallway in an attempt to "hurt" her. Why I chose a 2x2'' purple (yes, I even remember the pastel color) alarm clock, I couldn't say other than maybe I hoped it would do the least amount of damage to the hallway. Sadly, my lack of spatial awareness was already fully developed and I missed her completely. This act however was not missed by my father, who just happened to enter the hallway at that exact same moment. Though I have lost my temper since then, it was this moment that I hold on in my mind as the example of how foolish (especially for me) acting in anger is.

My sister was not the only person to help teach me lessons in life(though she was present in many of them), my dear friend Karen has taught me many as well. Just this past week, while we talked on the phone, I was again reminded of her great loyalty to others and those lucky enough to be distinguished as her friend. How I wish I could spend more time in her presence. For it is there that I find myself comparing her great passion and care for others to my lack thereof. It is through our conversations that I am challenged to love with quality of words, time, and service.

As I continue to reflect, and remember all those who have ever entered my life, I see that this story goes much farther back and is more intricate than this post or any others could allow. I marvel at the One who mapped the web of my life into the wonder of workmanship it is winding up to be. And though there (God willing) is more to be spun in the tale of my existence, I will continue to remain in wonder over how I, like so many others, came to be.

Home Alone: Not the Movie

This past weekend I experienced something that is not totally uncommon to me, but something I distaste. I was home alone.

Now, there was a time in my life where I enjoyed this very much... after being surrounded by my family members day in and day out (which is a benefit and a downfall to being home schooled), I craved the chance to be home alone. I longed for time where I would not become annoyed or frustrated with a sibling, or have to worry about arguing with a parent. But now that I'm not surrounded by the same people I have been for years on end, I find myself in a very different place. I find myself loathing extended periods of time by myself.

Now don't get me wrong, being alone is a good thing! I think everyone needs time to just be by themselves and hear themselves think. To have time to pray and meditate, and listen to what's going on inside their heads. In fact I believe that having time alone is vital to personal health. But I also know that I am the kind of person who, when left alone for too long, becomes drained of energy as opposed to revitalized.

I was alone for only parts of the day yesterday. Which was perfect for me. It gave me a chance to contribute to the upkeep of the house, and it let me do somethings that I enjoy doing (singing loudly off key and dancing) without bothering anyone else. After spending quality "me"time, I got to go out with a friend, and I loved that. We were able to catch up on each other's lives, to enjoy each other's company, and share life together (not to mention an amazing dinner at Carrabba's!).

However, all good things must come to an end. I was content when I got home, but it got me to thinking. Thinking about what life would be like if this were the rest of my life... if sitting home, alone, on a Saturday night were all that's left for me. As I peer out through the bleary window of my future, I can't tell who's there, or even where the couch is that I'm sitting. It scares me, but it also excites me. Which is what sitting home, alone, lets me do.