The Third Act...

I'm going to be leaving soon for Indiana. I'm torn between just going ahead and leaving tomorrow as opposed to leaving on Wednesday when I planned. I've been in Ohio for a while now... since the 11th to be exact. And there's a part of me, a small part of me, that's hesitant to go back.

To be honest, these are the exact same feelings I had when leaving Indiana just a few weeks ago. Hesitant. Unsure. Melancholy.

In my attempt to try and understand myself, I believe that this strange potion of emotion comes not from a strange elixir, but from the fact that my character, who I am, plays out in such different acts on each of the stages I stand.

On stage in Ohio, Act One: I play the devoted daughter, serving my parents in order to please them and make them proud. I play the older onlooking sister, who has advice to dole out reproachfully to any younger sibling nearby. I play the admired and respected "successful" home schooler, who didn't turn out so bad after all.

On stage in Indiana, Act Two: I play the young and with-it teacher, who knows what's-what in the world of educational trends and the most recently published state standards. I play the friend to all, never wanting to ruffle a feather. I play the independent, self-sufficient woman that I am (or at least like to think... sometimes).

Yet, no matter where I am, which stage I stand, or what act I'm in, I am all of these things. This is my character, not yet fully developed, but well on its way. The struggle I find myself in, as I hesitate to leave one act for another, is that I cannot seem to find the balance of being both who I am in Ohio, and who I am in Indiana. And so the sadness stems not from leaving those I love behind (which would make clearer sense), but rather leaving a part of myself behind, of knowing that I will not be able to accurately portray who I fully am to those around me. For they have either entered and left before the second, or arrived later and missed the first.

And so I wonder, wonder what it will take to bring my two acts together. A move? A marriage? A death? Or is this the way life is always lived, compartmentalized into mostly neat and tidy roles for each of us to play? Yet again, I find myself waiting for time to pass, wisdom to grow, and for my heart to learn. What do You have in store for me?

I hold my breath, awaiting the third act...