Singularly Content.

So I made my mom cry this weekend. For those of you who know my mother, you know that it's not a very hard task, and yet I must admit that I have a sense of pride over the matter. This is how I did it.

I was in Ohio this past weekend, my cousin Emily is getting married in October, and I threw her a shower Sunday to celebrate with family and friends. We had finally come home after spending time at church (surprise, surprise, my family lives there!) and were sitting on the couch. Well, to be more precise, I was lying down on the couch with my head in mom's lap (it's more conducive to pouring one's heart out you see). And I told her my thoughts on the whole marriage thing... you know, how I'd like to be there one day too, and wouldn't it be great if it was soon so that Grandparents could be there with me... things like that.

yet again I heard the same advice: don't deny the feelings you hold, yet don't allow them to embitter the heart. Instead, recognize youth, and be thankful for the time given.

Easier said than done.

I'm trying my best to hold onto those truths. For I do see how easy it is to fall into the pattern of thinking the next stage of life holds the happiness I must be missing out on... the right guy, the right house, the right number of kids, the right school, it never ends.

I do desire the house, husband, and however many kids there may someday be in my life, but this isn't my time yet... and very well may never be. Deep down (though I don't want this to be the case) my heart knows that this may not be what's in store. However, my heart holds onto the hope in the knowledge that there's more to my life than these desires, there's more to do and be done than even I can now imagine.

What an adventure life can be, if you choose to let it be. And so I choose to be singularly content. At least until the next adventure begins.

Read if you will...

My blog (I have blog on the brain after seeing Julie and Julia) is entitled An Educator's Guess, partly because many of the posts I include deal with education and my experiences as a teacher. But there is another part, a reflection of my life, where I make an educated guess at what's going on. The majority of the time I honestly have no clue, but hope that within the time I spend writing the words which flow from my fingers and make their way to the world wide web, some clarity will be found within and make its way into my heart. This, however, does not always happen.

I often find the need to place a positive spin at the end of my thoughts, for it is how I view life, as messy, complicated, and insane as it can be, I still think there's a silver lining to be found whatever the situation.

And I wonder, I wonder about those who read these random and sometimes pathetic thoughts. I wonder why I feel compelled to put these series of posts out there for so many (or so few) to read. I wonder if I should stop. I wonder if it is truly worthwhile.

Despite these wonderings, I comply with the compulsion which calls me to write. I enjoy the process and reading the results of my perceptions on life as an educator. And I the freedom a blog gives to a writer. An audience who has the chance to respond, disguised anonymity, and an new topic every time. And so I will continue, for now, to blog my thoughts away. Read if you will, enjoy when possible, and allow me to explain a little more of myself to you.

Year Three, How Can it Be?

I find myself saying a phrase repeatedly these days, one that expresses astonishment coupled with bewilderment: How can it be? How can it be that I've been out of college for this long? How can it be that I have friends living across the country and outside of it!? How can it be that this year will be my third in teaching?

Things have definitely changed since my first experience in the teaching profession. A little less naivete, a little more sarcasm, the same amount of fervor and passion for doing the best I can for the students entering my classroom. How can it be that I'm still a little nervous?

The reality of the fact that one never stops questioning their abilities in teaching is starting to sink in a little deeper... and I am beginning to see it painted in a positive shade. This is a distinguishing feature in the aptitude of a teacher. Without the questioning and self-evaluating, there would be no purpose in striving for improvement. I find this to be true, whatever profession one has taken.

My third year of teaching is a chapter I am eager to enter into and explore. There will be plenty of new challenges and ways for me to stretch myself in my profession. I am glad I do not feel as alone this year. I find myself more and more comfortable with life post graduation. The friends that have come along and those who have remained near are a source of great comfort, and I am ever thankful for their presence. How can it be that I got to be so lucky?

How can it be is a phrase that I will continue to repeat throughout year three... ranging from marrying off another dear friend and family member, to visiting the ones who live far from my home, to the fact that I will be completing yet another year of teaching. Amazing!

How can it be...

Sending Sour on it's Way.

When I was a kid (I think I'm old enough now to say that) my friends and I loved to go roller skating. Roller skating was fun, not just because you got to wear shoes with wheels on them and attempt to go round and round in circles without falling flat on your face, roller skating was fun because when you're at the roller skating rink, there was a concession stand selling only the best sweetness could offer. You could buy Fun Dips, Ring Pops, and Pop Rocks. And if you were exceptionally daring and brave, you would try a War-head.

War-heads were the kind of candy that started out plain awful. It was sour and would cause your lips to pucker together in a way that made your face look like it would collapse in on itself, and then your mom would tell you that if you kept it up your face would stay that way. They were the most bitter candy on the outside, and most kids spit them out after only a few seconds of sucking.

However, War-heads are not sour. At least not at their core. War-heads are actually very sweet, once you get past the sour layer, at the center lies a hard candy similar to the Ring Pop you've been thinking of since I mentioned it in the first paragraph.

I have a confession to make. I am a War-head. Or at least, for the last two years, I've struggled with having a hard, bitter outer core. I've hidden it well, or at least I like to think I have, keeping on that smiling face making you believe that I'm as jolly as a Jolly Rancher. Life is great! I'm doing fine! How often do we use these words to hide from others (not to mention ourselves) the truth of the matter, life feels like it's going to collapse in on itself.

Some days I feel as if my life has no direction, purpose, or value. I teach, but do I love it still? Why was I offered a job teaching sixth grade? Me? The Kindergarten Queen!? I live in Indiana for independence, and yet I am dependant on those in my "family". So many dreams of the future hang like limp balloons waiting to be inflated, and I'm ready to let go the string of hope tied to them. For the past two years, these questions and doubts have soured my spirit.

But wait Billy Mays, there's more! This War-head isn't dissolved yet. I don't know when exactly, but I have a couple of guesses how it happened(ask me sometime), the sourness around my core, it's starting to wear away. I've rediscovered the sweet center and remembered how good it is there. That goodness, it doesn't come from me. Nope, it's so much more. It's not perfect, at least not yet. I can still taste the bitterness at times, but I am hopeful that this next season of my life will be sweet.