Letting it Go...

I blew up my Uncle's Microwave.

Ok, that's an exaggeration... but there were sparks and an awful smell that penetrated his whole house after I opened the microwave door. You can probably guess from the description what mistake I made while warming up some chicken noodle soup. Yes, I put the soup in a metal sauce pan.

For the record, no one had ever told me that you couldn't put metal in a microwave. I knew that plastic would melt, but had no clue that metal would destroy the microwave. Regardless of this, I felt awful about the whole situation, and have kicked myself over and over again since then...

The sad thing is, this was over 15 years ago, it's still bothering me.

This is not a new story in my life. The feeling guilty for years that is, not the whole microwave story... though I suppose you could say that it's not new either... but you know what I'm really driving at here. I hold onto the most undesirable feelings, harbor them in my heart, and eventually convince myself that I'm a complete moron, and try to devise plans to make certain that I never find myself in such an embarrassing situation again.

A problem appears with this resolution, no matter how many times I resolve to "perfect" my imperfections, I inevitably find a new mistake to feel guilty about. Today, I had another incident where I feel like I was completely incompetent in my classroom. I felt like I put the proverbial metal pot in the microwave, and poof! my day is filled with an awful odor of guilt and I am left burnt out.

One of the consolations I hold onto: I'm not alone. At least in this process. I know that there are others out there who struggle with the exact same thing. Struggling to let go of the past mistakes, and not letting the lessons they teach us become bigger than moving on and living life free from the fear of making a mirrored mistake. In fact, just the past week, a co-worker shared with me his own story of struggling to move on.

Wanting to encourage him, I sent a quick message (when our server wasn't down, but actually up and running!). In it I shared my consolation, and urged him to do what I need to do when I find myself in these situations. Stop carping in my head about all that I've done wrong, but instead cast the cares off to Someone who understands a whole lot more than I do.

Why is it that this is so hard to do? Why is it that after 15+ years, I'm still struggling with letting something so small go? If I want to be effective (as a teacher, or just a person for that matter!) I need to learn that failure can be turned into success only when it becomes less about me, and more about the learning process I went through.

Letting it go... easier said, than done.

Adventure Calls

There comes a moment in your life
Like a window, and you see
Your future there before you
And how perfect life can be
But adventure calls, with unheard voices
Pulling you away
Be careful or you may regret
The choice you make someday

I know this is going to sound silly, but these are some of the lyrics from one of my all-time favorite songs, and it comes from a Muppet movie. As ridiculous as that may be, I cannot deny that I love the words and what they implicate.

There have been countless times that I have looked out the window of my life to gaze at what the future might hold. I think the first time I ever experienced this was when I was four years old. Yes, I distinctly remember the moment I first started to plan my future, and I do believe that I was around four or five.

I lay on my back in my parents' water bed looking out at a very blue sky and thought through what I wanted out of my life. College? yes... a job? most likely... residence? maybe I'll find a house just down the street from my parents... it worked for mom, maybe I'll do the same.

From that moment, I strove to make those dreams a reality... determined my major by eighth grade, started pursuing college choices by ninth, acceptance letter at the beginning of my senior year.

Life looked perfect. All was on track with making my plans my reality.

And then I heard the call.

Having moved away from the comfortable and well-known, to the new and seemingly exciting life I was living on my own, I heard a voice within calling me to continue the adventure. The adventure has pulled me away from that I once knew, to something else.

The song portrays answering this call to adventure as something that tears one away from love. I however, have found that in my own life this is not the case. This call to adventure, to living outside of that which is comfortable and known, has caused me to grow in ways I never could have imagined as a four year old day dreaming about the future. By growing in the development of myself, I have a greater love and appreciation for those who have come alongside me throughout my life.

Will I someday regret these choices? Of moving away from old friends and family? It is possible. What I find now however, is not regret, but a sense of confidence found in knowing that when adventure called, I answered, not by shirking away, but by accepting the challenge and continuing to try my best in what life has presented before me.