Letting it Go...

I blew up my Uncle's Microwave.

Ok, that's an exaggeration... but there were sparks and an awful smell that penetrated his whole house after I opened the microwave door. You can probably guess from the description what mistake I made while warming up some chicken noodle soup. Yes, I put the soup in a metal sauce pan.

For the record, no one had ever told me that you couldn't put metal in a microwave. I knew that plastic would melt, but had no clue that metal would destroy the microwave. Regardless of this, I felt awful about the whole situation, and have kicked myself over and over again since then...

The sad thing is, this was over 15 years ago, it's still bothering me.

This is not a new story in my life. The feeling guilty for years that is, not the whole microwave story... though I suppose you could say that it's not new either... but you know what I'm really driving at here. I hold onto the most undesirable feelings, harbor them in my heart, and eventually convince myself that I'm a complete moron, and try to devise plans to make certain that I never find myself in such an embarrassing situation again.

A problem appears with this resolution, no matter how many times I resolve to "perfect" my imperfections, I inevitably find a new mistake to feel guilty about. Today, I had another incident where I feel like I was completely incompetent in my classroom. I felt like I put the proverbial metal pot in the microwave, and poof! my day is filled with an awful odor of guilt and I am left burnt out.

One of the consolations I hold onto: I'm not alone. At least in this process. I know that there are others out there who struggle with the exact same thing. Struggling to let go of the past mistakes, and not letting the lessons they teach us become bigger than moving on and living life free from the fear of making a mirrored mistake. In fact, just the past week, a co-worker shared with me his own story of struggling to move on.

Wanting to encourage him, I sent a quick message (when our server wasn't down, but actually up and running!). In it I shared my consolation, and urged him to do what I need to do when I find myself in these situations. Stop carping in my head about all that I've done wrong, but instead cast the cares off to Someone who understands a whole lot more than I do.

Why is it that this is so hard to do? Why is it that after 15+ years, I'm still struggling with letting something so small go? If I want to be effective (as a teacher, or just a person for that matter!) I need to learn that failure can be turned into success only when it becomes less about me, and more about the learning process I went through.

Letting it go... easier said, than done.