Socializing: My Own Personal Struggles.

Tonight I performed one of my "good teacher" acts. Namely I went to a Christmas program put on by the Westview Music program to watch some of my former students play musical instruments and sing in the choir. The program went well, and reminded me and my roommate of our own Jr. High productions in the not so distance past.

It was great to see my students from last year, and say hello to the families of these kiddoes. It made me feel good, and it made me sad. I felt good because I know that I love being around groups of people, where I know many of those present, I could go and talk, and be my chipper chatty-Kathy-self! It reminded me of when I was at Grace. There was hardly a time where I did not know at least someone gathered in the former ABJ, now TOL. It was hard to find a place to meet with people one on one without someone walking up and saying hello. And I have to admit, I loved that.

Now, I just don't have those kind of experiences as often. I'm trying to figure out if it's just the natural progression of life, that growing up means leaving that sense of "popularity" behind, or if it's due to the fact that I live a life that does not allow for much social interaction. If it's due to growing up, then I suppose I can make myself move on... but if it's not, does that mean I need to change the life I live? Should I be in a place where I often feel insignificant? Incompetent? And alone? I'm just not sure.

And that's why I'm just not sure what the next step is in my professional and personal life. As I feel as if I am missing out on a more fulfilling life, and am struggling to have a life as it is, my ability to be a "good teacher" is suffering. My professional life has become my personal life. I have nothing outside of work save a few phone calls to friends scattered throughout the country and a once every other month coffee date (which is due to the fact that I have no time to go and visit my friends who live an hour or so away every weekend) with a friend or two.

Who would have thought that the former homeschooler would be having issues with NOT having ENOUGH social interaction! And yet there it is. I want this to be home, for the sake of having a place to call my own, like Grace was for four years. I want this to be home to finally let myself take root, as that is what I so desperately want. I want this home to be filled with friends from now and from the past. And yet what I want, is so rarely what anyone gets.