Thankful Thoughts

For the past several months, I have been attending a church in the greater Goshen/Elkhart area. It's a larger church, with most likely a thousand to fifteen hundred members. Today they were in the midst of renovating their worship center. And so, without a large room to gather in, the service was instead held outside. I loved it! It was so neat to be able to look up at the expanse of sky and be caught up in the beauty of its blueness. I loved being able to contrast that color with the green of trees, met by the green carpet of grass. Though it was a bit damp to sit on (I didn't bring my lawn chair), it was an amazing experience.

Something struck me today as the pastor recapped the series on Colossians. It's struck me before, and sadly most likely will strike me again later in life, and that is the importance of being grateful.

How often do people (I, most of all) complain? How often do we wish and wait around for the next best thing? How often do we grumble over the hand we were dealt? All of these leave me with a wanting and impatient heart, one that is bitter to the taste.

The remedy? Don't wait until Thanksgiving to be thankful! We're halfway to Thanksgiving (at least that's what Tim Rowland told us all today), only six more months to go!

There is so much for me to be thankful for, from the beautiful weather that I can enjoy with all of my senses, to the amazing life I am able to live with friends and family. The mere fact that I have a job at all (though it causes me heartache at times) is reason enough to give thanks! And so I will end my day with thankful thoughts in order that I may become a little bit more the person I was created to be.

Empty

I have to admit, I left this school year unsatisfied. My students changed throughout the course of the year, and not for the better. Day in and day out I prayed and strove to love on them and instill in them a sense of right and wrong. And yet consistently, many of those I worked hardest with were the ones who made me shake my head by day and shed tears by night.

Even as they drove away in their buses this afternoon, I was disappointed with them. Yes, there were a few who I think learned throughout the course of the year from me in more ways than one, but now that it's all over... I feel, empty.

It's a hollow feeling, emptiness is. One that years to be taken away by being filled. My kiddoes left me feeling empty. I gave to them as much as I could give, and in return... nothing. In years past, I have not encountered this void in satisfaction over the job I have done with students. And yet this year, this year was different.

Maybe it's just like this, maybe there's years where a class leaves you feeling drained. Maybe there's years where students change from who you thought they were, who you see they could become, and instead transform into who they choose to become. Maybe... maybe.

It doesn't change the deficit that I now carry with me, but hoping that maybe next year it will be different helps. Though I may feel empty now, I am very thankful to have hope in someday being full again. So, here's to summer, and the ability to find fullness outside of school! =)

I Hope I Make It...

Let me just say to start with, I just hope I make it.

I've reached that point in the school year again. The one where I question my capabilities, my decisions, and my competencies as a teacher. And as a result, all I want to do is run and hide. All I want to do, is quit.

The good news for me is that I will be able to "quit" in a manner of speaking. The 3 reasons why many people decide to go into teaching, is just around the corner for me, namely June, July, and August (though in Indiana, having August off is a joke...). These months will soon be here, and my current classroom of students will be sent off to enjoy summer break, and I will be free from my responsibility of watching over them and helping to guide them. That role will lie with some other teacher for the following year. I hope they're ready for a challenge.

This year has left me weary. Though I did not have the constant questioning of my quality as a teacher as I did my first year, I find myself at a point that has left me beyond that, farther down a path that leaves me with questions about how I have treated my students this year.

Did I show them love?

Did I give them good counsel?

Did I make any difference at all?

As my students continue to make choices for the good and the bad, I can't help but feel a closer connection with God. I understand his heart, and how it aches for his children. As my own "children" make decisions that lead to less than pleasant results, I am able to turn the tables and see myself in their place, and Christ being the one to look down with such hurt in his eyes. I have had so many "talks" with various students this year, ones that had me pleading with them to show the rest of us the kind of person they are deep down inside, the one they are supposed to be.

I know this goes against human nature. That humans by default know what is right, and yet naturally choose to do what is wrong. I know that we do this because we are selfish beings. And I also know that some of these kids will never be taught nor learn that they should go against serving themselves. Enter Miss Williams.

Day after day this year, my job has been to continually present these young minds with choices and decisions. And day after day, I have had to redirect their attitudes, their thoughts, and their emotions. Needless to say, I'm weary, and there's a problem.

The problem? I feel. I feel so much. When my students choose poorly, I feel their pain. I feel my own disappointment in them, and my heart aches for them knowing the consequences. I cannot save them from themselves.

I understand the heart of God just a little bit more this year. I am able to see a little more clearly what happens when I choose myself over anyone else. And I'm ready to be done with it all.

Despite what I want, school will keep going and there is more life to be lived. I must carry on, taking the lessons learned with me as a guide of sorts, telling me how to handle some of what will most likely lie ahead. Hopefully I will be able to avoid the places of self-doubt and arrive at the end with a smile of accomplishment on my face, knowing that I have run the race, and fought the good fight.

I've reached that point in the school year again. But I won't run and hide. I won't quit. I've seen too much and come too far to let that happen. I just hope I make it.