I Hope I Make It...

Let me just say to start with, I just hope I make it.

I've reached that point in the school year again. The one where I question my capabilities, my decisions, and my competencies as a teacher. And as a result, all I want to do is run and hide. All I want to do, is quit.

The good news for me is that I will be able to "quit" in a manner of speaking. The 3 reasons why many people decide to go into teaching, is just around the corner for me, namely June, July, and August (though in Indiana, having August off is a joke...). These months will soon be here, and my current classroom of students will be sent off to enjoy summer break, and I will be free from my responsibility of watching over them and helping to guide them. That role will lie with some other teacher for the following year. I hope they're ready for a challenge.

This year has left me weary. Though I did not have the constant questioning of my quality as a teacher as I did my first year, I find myself at a point that has left me beyond that, farther down a path that leaves me with questions about how I have treated my students this year.

Did I show them love?

Did I give them good counsel?

Did I make any difference at all?

As my students continue to make choices for the good and the bad, I can't help but feel a closer connection with God. I understand his heart, and how it aches for his children. As my own "children" make decisions that lead to less than pleasant results, I am able to turn the tables and see myself in their place, and Christ being the one to look down with such hurt in his eyes. I have had so many "talks" with various students this year, ones that had me pleading with them to show the rest of us the kind of person they are deep down inside, the one they are supposed to be.

I know this goes against human nature. That humans by default know what is right, and yet naturally choose to do what is wrong. I know that we do this because we are selfish beings. And I also know that some of these kids will never be taught nor learn that they should go against serving themselves. Enter Miss Williams.

Day after day this year, my job has been to continually present these young minds with choices and decisions. And day after day, I have had to redirect their attitudes, their thoughts, and their emotions. Needless to say, I'm weary, and there's a problem.

The problem? I feel. I feel so much. When my students choose poorly, I feel their pain. I feel my own disappointment in them, and my heart aches for them knowing the consequences. I cannot save them from themselves.

I understand the heart of God just a little bit more this year. I am able to see a little more clearly what happens when I choose myself over anyone else. And I'm ready to be done with it all.

Despite what I want, school will keep going and there is more life to be lived. I must carry on, taking the lessons learned with me as a guide of sorts, telling me how to handle some of what will most likely lie ahead. Hopefully I will be able to avoid the places of self-doubt and arrive at the end with a smile of accomplishment on my face, knowing that I have run the race, and fought the good fight.

I've reached that point in the school year again. But I won't run and hide. I won't quit. I've seen too much and come too far to let that happen. I just hope I make it.