Being a girl sucks sometimes. Now, I'm not talking about the emotional roller coaster that women deal with, or the fact that we have to shave our legs, no I'm talking about the feeling of failure that fills your being when you can't start a lawnmower.
I today, experienced failure. I got up, pulled the hair back, and put on my tennis shoes hoping to show the lawn who's boss. Technically the upstairs neighbor said that he would take care of the mowing, but as the last time he did so, all that got cut was the outer ring of the lawn, making it appear to have a mo-hawk. Ever since then it's been up to me to cut the grass. Which is fine, I enjoy pushing a mower and taking care of our house, working hard, these are all things I enjoy doing. Today, however, I wasn't able to enjoy them.
After moving the ever growing pile of brush (branches that have fallen from our tree in the back yard) that is located next to the door of our fence that surrounds our back lawn, I pushed the lawn mower into the back yard. I realize now, that placing fallen limbs next to the fence was not a good idea as it took me a good five minutes to scoot and shuffle the sticks out of the way so I could crack the fence gate open, I guess that will be another yard project for another day...
Anyways, once I got the mower into the yard, I started the process of starting the mower. I pulled, I tugged, I pulled some more. I made sure that I held the bar back on the mower while I pulled, I primed the engine and pumped the little button 3x's, not more than that for fear I would flood the engine, and still, I could not start that stupid mower!
I called out my roommate, who is currently recovering from being sick, and made her try to start it. Nothing. I tried in one last attempt to try to start the stupid thing, wondering to myself why I moved so far away from my dad, my heart pumping, and my arm now aching. All of this, led to nothing. I muttered under my breath my personal thoughts towards the mower, and rolled the darn thing back to the shed where I got it from.
And now I have a blister. Yes, from pulling that darn cord so many times, there's a nice swollen welt at the base of my fingers. And as I keep accidentally aggravating it by bumping it, the whole scenario makes me mad. Mad that I could not get the dumb thing started. I mean, with all my infinite wisdom on lawn care and machine maintenance (haha), I could not do it. I felt like a loser of a girl, who has to rely on someone stronger to get some things done. It also made me mad that I do not have anyone nearby to call on for help when I need it, granted it being something as dumb as starting a mower.
I don't know what this means, if it means anything at all. Probably, there is very little significance to this, but it is still what I am experiencing today. Such problems cause me to reflect, and to see if other problems exist, in my life and in others' lives. For not mowing the lawn is not the problem I have, it's the fact that I could not, cannot, do it on my own. And I wonder, who will help me when such problems arise.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Graduation Speech
I was asked by my Aunt Debbie a few months ago, if I would be willing to serve as the motivational speaker at my alma mater. I accepted, and so now I will be speaking to approximately a record breaking graduating class of 17. Yes, we were all home schooled.
And so, I find myself thinking about what I should say to these starry-eyed soon to be graduates. This, is attempt number one, of what I will say that evening.
There's a point in every life, where change is eminent, looming ahead. It is here that you find yourselves tonight. You have finished a significant chapter in your lives, and life as you have known it, will change. You are not the only ones who have faced the challenge of change, in fact there is an excellent example of a person who had spent a lifetime preparing for one significant moment, and when that moment had passed, was forced to face the future. This person comes from a very enlightening and thought provoking story, The Princess Bride.
All good examples for speeches can come from this movie, and tonight is no exception. For it is in the character of Inigo Montoya. For twenty years, Inigo had studied the craft of swordsmanship. He studied this for a purpose, to avenge the death of his father. And at the climax of the movie, Inigo slays the six fingered man who wrongfully executed his father. But I want to fast forward to a few scenes later, where Inigo, having fulfilled his purpose at that time, stands in a tower of the castle looking out a window. He is faced with a question, "Where do I go from here?"
You, yourselves, will be continually asking such a question as each significant chapter in your life closes. There is a crossroads in your life, and you must decide where to go. But this is the exciting moment, it's not one to be feared, it's not one to be worried over, for you have been given a gift. It's where you've come from. It's your heritage. You, were home schooled.
Not many in this world can say such things, not many have parents who cared enough to not only go over that algebra problem once, twice, but thirty-three times! Not many can boast that they have had the guidance of Christ in their learning. And it is in these significant factors, you will find guidance. It is from these significant factors, you will be able to make a choice that leads you on the path less traveled.
Inigo's studies had prepared him for meeting the challenge of the six fingered man, but it had prepared him for so much more than this one moment. Could it be that there was something bigger waiting out there for Mr. Montoya? As the scene continues to play out, Inigo voices this question to Westley, the hero of the story. He tells him that after spending so many years training, he does not know where to go from here. Westley then extends an invitation to Inigo to try something bigger, that will allow Inigo to use his skills, piracy.
Now, I am not suggesting that you take your education and try your hand at criminal activities, but I am suggesting that there will be opportunities extended to you from a much bigger character in the story of life. God is taking you on a journey, but he is a gracious guide. He extends invitations to go to exciting and new places. He continually provides a chance for you to exercise your gifts, talents, and abilities, though they may be something you never even imagined.
Back in the tower, you see Inigo take in the information Westley has presented before him as Westley dives out of the window and onto the back of a horse. It is at this moment that I want to freeze the frame. Inigo has a choice, he can either choose to jump down onto a horse and ride away to his new future, or he could choose to stay where he is at. The choice is his. He has studied, accomplished a great goal, and now could comfortably walk away. Or, he could choose to accept the challenge of becoming a part of something even bigger. It is in this moment that he will answer the question, "where do I go from here?"
Colleges, Universities, and jobs are out there waiting for your answer. Will you choose to take your skills and abilities, your hard work instilled in you from your parents and accept the challenge to become a part something bigger? Or will you allow yourself to slip quite comfortably into the familiar and supposedly safe life you've always known? God has offered you opportunities, He longs to walk down that narrow path together with you, are you up for such an adventure?
Inigo's choice is quickly made, with a shrug of his shoulders, he plunges out of the tower window and rides off with the rest on a journey of a lifetime. Though the movie is over at this point, we all know that in reality, the story is only beginning. May God bless your stories as you face the decision of where to go from here.
Thoughts? Do you think home schoolers will appreciate this? Is the challenge strong enough? Is it motivational enough? Feedback is always appreciated. =)
And so, I find myself thinking about what I should say to these starry-eyed soon to be graduates. This, is attempt number one, of what I will say that evening.
There's a point in every life, where change is eminent, looming ahead. It is here that you find yourselves tonight. You have finished a significant chapter in your lives, and life as you have known it, will change. You are not the only ones who have faced the challenge of change, in fact there is an excellent example of a person who had spent a lifetime preparing for one significant moment, and when that moment had passed, was forced to face the future. This person comes from a very enlightening and thought provoking story, The Princess Bride.
All good examples for speeches can come from this movie, and tonight is no exception. For it is in the character of Inigo Montoya. For twenty years, Inigo had studied the craft of swordsmanship. He studied this for a purpose, to avenge the death of his father. And at the climax of the movie, Inigo slays the six fingered man who wrongfully executed his father. But I want to fast forward to a few scenes later, where Inigo, having fulfilled his purpose at that time, stands in a tower of the castle looking out a window. He is faced with a question, "Where do I go from here?"
You, yourselves, will be continually asking such a question as each significant chapter in your life closes. There is a crossroads in your life, and you must decide where to go. But this is the exciting moment, it's not one to be feared, it's not one to be worried over, for you have been given a gift. It's where you've come from. It's your heritage. You, were home schooled.
Not many in this world can say such things, not many have parents who cared enough to not only go over that algebra problem once, twice, but thirty-three times! Not many can boast that they have had the guidance of Christ in their learning. And it is in these significant factors, you will find guidance. It is from these significant factors, you will be able to make a choice that leads you on the path less traveled.
Inigo's studies had prepared him for meeting the challenge of the six fingered man, but it had prepared him for so much more than this one moment. Could it be that there was something bigger waiting out there for Mr. Montoya? As the scene continues to play out, Inigo voices this question to Westley, the hero of the story. He tells him that after spending so many years training, he does not know where to go from here. Westley then extends an invitation to Inigo to try something bigger, that will allow Inigo to use his skills, piracy.
Now, I am not suggesting that you take your education and try your hand at criminal activities, but I am suggesting that there will be opportunities extended to you from a much bigger character in the story of life. God is taking you on a journey, but he is a gracious guide. He extends invitations to go to exciting and new places. He continually provides a chance for you to exercise your gifts, talents, and abilities, though they may be something you never even imagined.
Back in the tower, you see Inigo take in the information Westley has presented before him as Westley dives out of the window and onto the back of a horse. It is at this moment that I want to freeze the frame. Inigo has a choice, he can either choose to jump down onto a horse and ride away to his new future, or he could choose to stay where he is at. The choice is his. He has studied, accomplished a great goal, and now could comfortably walk away. Or, he could choose to accept the challenge of becoming a part of something even bigger. It is in this moment that he will answer the question, "where do I go from here?"
Colleges, Universities, and jobs are out there waiting for your answer. Will you choose to take your skills and abilities, your hard work instilled in you from your parents and accept the challenge to become a part something bigger? Or will you allow yourself to slip quite comfortably into the familiar and supposedly safe life you've always known? God has offered you opportunities, He longs to walk down that narrow path together with you, are you up for such an adventure?
Inigo's choice is quickly made, with a shrug of his shoulders, he plunges out of the tower window and rides off with the rest on a journey of a lifetime. Though the movie is over at this point, we all know that in reality, the story is only beginning. May God bless your stories as you face the decision of where to go from here.
Thoughts? Do you think home schoolers will appreciate this? Is the challenge strong enough? Is it motivational enough? Feedback is always appreciated. =)
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Mr. GC?
So, I like to snoop around my former campus by reading all of the Grace publications. Today I read that this year's SAB blowout is having a Mr. GC competition, and he will be crowned at the blowout. As I read this, I started to think about what the requirements for Mr. GC would be...
1.) Must be in every picture Scott Feather takes.
2.) Date every girl on campus.
3.) Be engaged within three months after dating and spending every moment at the Tree.
4.) Sit on some sort of panel for Student Development (I mean Affairs).
5.) Have a secret relationship with a staff or faculty member.
6.) Be a Biblical Studies Major (What? They don't offer that any more?)
7.) Or a Behavior Studies Major (I know they still have that!)
8.) Mentor moronic Freshman.
9.) Have picture posted in some prominent publication.
10.) Play a sport that allows drinking... water (right...).
And right there, I can think of several graduates who probably could have won this award. Too bad we didn't have this back in the good old days of ABJ and eating at the Grill for Lunch and Dinner with regular scans. Mr. GC, I wish you the best of luck. I hope you find real life out there somewhere. It's waiting for you to arrive.
1.) Must be in every picture Scott Feather takes.
2.) Date every girl on campus.
3.) Be engaged within three months after dating and spending every moment at the Tree.
4.) Sit on some sort of panel for Student Development (I mean Affairs).
5.) Have a secret relationship with a staff or faculty member.
6.) Be a Biblical Studies Major (What? They don't offer that any more?)
7.) Or a Behavior Studies Major (I know they still have that!)
8.) Mentor moronic Freshman.
9.) Have picture posted in some prominent publication.
10.) Play a sport that allows drinking... water (right...).
And right there, I can think of several graduates who probably could have won this award. Too bad we didn't have this back in the good old days of ABJ and eating at the Grill for Lunch and Dinner with regular scans. Mr. GC, I wish you the best of luck. I hope you find real life out there somewhere. It's waiting for you to arrive.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Lonely: The First Year of Teaching.
So I'm approaching the end of my first year of teaching, though there's still a ways to go, I'm not going to lie, I'm counting down the days and I know it's going to whiz by! And so, as this year has brought about so many changes in my life, and my thoughts on where my life is going to go from here, I think there's one word to sum it all up. Lonely.
I had heard it before, a friend of mine said the same thing when I asked her how her first year of teaching had gone. I was surprised, for here was a girl who was just as extroverted as myself, living near her family, and highly involved in her church. And yet, she told me she was lonely.
Something else that I have struggled with, and every first year teacher I've talked to this year has said something along the same lines, is a feeling that I, as a teacher, am inadequate to do the job I have been hired to do. This, coupled with fear of failure, has made my heart cold, like an icicle driving the feeling loneliness deep into my heart.
I look around, and I really shouldn't complain. I'm at a school where teachers are more than helpful, they have their issues, but overall, I shouldn't complain. I have a roommate who puts up with all my quirkiness. I have friends who are still in the area, and new ones too. And yet, I can't seem to shake this feeling of loneliness. It was as if my self-assured, warming nature went into hibernation, just waiting for the days of sunshine to return.
I don't know when this will be, I'm hoping that it will come as the weather turns warmer, and I'm given a chance to reflect more thoroughly on my first year and able to see things in a clearer light. I know that recently, as my prayers have become more persistent on finding the people in my life who will help me grow, God has been providing. Whether it be through small notes, or e-mails, or even a smile from one of my kids, the loneliness is starting to melt away, ever so slowly.
I had heard it before, a friend of mine said the same thing when I asked her how her first year of teaching had gone. I was surprised, for here was a girl who was just as extroverted as myself, living near her family, and highly involved in her church. And yet, she told me she was lonely.
Something else that I have struggled with, and every first year teacher I've talked to this year has said something along the same lines, is a feeling that I, as a teacher, am inadequate to do the job I have been hired to do. This, coupled with fear of failure, has made my heart cold, like an icicle driving the feeling loneliness deep into my heart.
I look around, and I really shouldn't complain. I'm at a school where teachers are more than helpful, they have their issues, but overall, I shouldn't complain. I have a roommate who puts up with all my quirkiness. I have friends who are still in the area, and new ones too. And yet, I can't seem to shake this feeling of loneliness. It was as if my self-assured, warming nature went into hibernation, just waiting for the days of sunshine to return.
I don't know when this will be, I'm hoping that it will come as the weather turns warmer, and I'm given a chance to reflect more thoroughly on my first year and able to see things in a clearer light. I know that recently, as my prayers have become more persistent on finding the people in my life who will help me grow, God has been providing. Whether it be through small notes, or e-mails, or even a smile from one of my kids, the loneliness is starting to melt away, ever so slowly.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
The Office, and Other Addictions
There are several things in life that I am addicted to. I think that it is important that I take the time to describe each of them so that I may understand myself and to help others in that endeavor as well. =)
First of all, I am addicted to milk. Seriously, I could drink a gallon a week, and I probably do. The source of this addiction may be traced back to a dear friend of mine, Miss Hood, who always enjoyed a glass of milk with her meals. And as I often frequented her family's dinner table, I would join her in partaking of the deliciousness. Another source where the addiction may have originated from would be my father's own addiction to milk. He suffers from this addiction even more so than myself as he owns not one, but three glass milk bottles. That's right, milk bottles, the old school, leave your bottle outside the door and the milkman will fill it in the morning bottles. Personally, I think that I'm addicted because it compliments so many important food groups so well, especially the Oreo.
Another thing I am addicted to is collecting stories. Hence why my library is so extensive and movie collection so obscene. This no doubt comes from my father (or father's family) as well. I love sitting down and diving into a good story about, well, anything! As long as it's told well. =)
And of course, I have a slight addiction to The Office. It's back on TV tonight, and though I made a fool of myself laughing, it felt good to see some of my favorite characters back where they belong (on my TV screen at 9:00). I will admit that I felt somewhat foolish laughing, as those around me were 6 years my junior. My brother is having a party at the moment, and so me and a dozen high schoolers enjoyed Michael Scott in all his glory. Interesting to say the least.
Overall, I felt that tonight's episode was marvelous! Everything I was hoping it would be (babe). However, I know that soon I will have to make a choice (or rather a choice will be made for me) between my addiction, and another great TV show, LOST. Alas, I fear that my roommate might hogtie me and take the remote from my hands so that we may enjoy LOST, and The Office will have to be viewed the following evening. =( Not ideal, but living with another means making compromises, and for the good of our rooming relationship, I will give up my "night of" Office viewings. =)
Ok, so it's really not a compromise, I would probably vote for watching LOST over the office if it were up to me.
First of all, I am addicted to milk. Seriously, I could drink a gallon a week, and I probably do. The source of this addiction may be traced back to a dear friend of mine, Miss Hood, who always enjoyed a glass of milk with her meals. And as I often frequented her family's dinner table, I would join her in partaking of the deliciousness. Another source where the addiction may have originated from would be my father's own addiction to milk. He suffers from this addiction even more so than myself as he owns not one, but three glass milk bottles. That's right, milk bottles, the old school, leave your bottle outside the door and the milkman will fill it in the morning bottles. Personally, I think that I'm addicted because it compliments so many important food groups so well, especially the Oreo.
Another thing I am addicted to is collecting stories. Hence why my library is so extensive and movie collection so obscene. This no doubt comes from my father (or father's family) as well. I love sitting down and diving into a good story about, well, anything! As long as it's told well. =)
And of course, I have a slight addiction to The Office. It's back on TV tonight, and though I made a fool of myself laughing, it felt good to see some of my favorite characters back where they belong (on my TV screen at 9:00). I will admit that I felt somewhat foolish laughing, as those around me were 6 years my junior. My brother is having a party at the moment, and so me and a dozen high schoolers enjoyed Michael Scott in all his glory. Interesting to say the least.
Overall, I felt that tonight's episode was marvelous! Everything I was hoping it would be (babe). However, I know that soon I will have to make a choice (or rather a choice will be made for me) between my addiction, and another great TV show, LOST. Alas, I fear that my roommate might hogtie me and take the remote from my hands so that we may enjoy LOST, and The Office will have to be viewed the following evening. =( Not ideal, but living with another means making compromises, and for the good of our rooming relationship, I will give up my "night of" Office viewings. =)
Ok, so it's really not a compromise, I would probably vote for watching LOST over the office if it were up to me.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Struck
Break has been so good this time around. Even though I was sorely disappointed that I would not be throwing the shower for my sister, I'm pleased with how things have unfolded. I've been able to spend some much needed quality time with each of the family members (minus the youngest as she's off serving Jesus in New Orleans). Yesterday I went to my brother's track meet, where I met up with my sister and we headed out to the "bea's" from there.
I sat there, listening to her ideas of what she wants to do at her wedding, things that will definitely be different, and things that will be very much the same as any other wedding. Then she started a different topic of conversation, one that struck a chord in my heart.
She talked about the mentoring program she has recently launched at Northside for the female youth leaders. As she told me which leader she had matched with different women in the church (yes, I did ask if she did so on all 29 dimensions of compatibility), and then she related to me how she would like a mentor as well. The dilemma being, however, that she needs one who will not only scratch the surface of life, but one that will be willing to dig into the deeper issues of life and how to live it with Christ.
It sounded funny to me, especially because I find myself at a somewhat similar place. I really do long for someone to talk to about my questions, someone who will help guide me back to the truth that is in my heart, but is clouded over with emotion. Someone removed from my situation, and yet who has been there themselves.
It struck me that during my formative years, I always had someone to talk to... my first Boss (who I call Boss), my RDs from Grace, and my hall mom, there was always someone there. But now that I'm graduated, moved away from many who I would feel comfortable approaching, and not connected to a church like I used to be, I wonder if finding a mentor for "life" is possible.
Maybe this point of my life is to point out the importance of having another, of having someone, someone who serves as a guide. I find these figures all throughout scripture (Eli to Samuel, Elizabeth to Mary, Moses to Joshua, etc.) and so I find myself asking, where is Eli? Where is Elizabeth? Where is my guide to help me navigate through the waves that crash and sweep across this life of mine? Or am I left only to appreciate my past and travel alone? Dr. Forbes was right, the longer you live, the less answers you have.
I sat there, listening to her ideas of what she wants to do at her wedding, things that will definitely be different, and things that will be very much the same as any other wedding. Then she started a different topic of conversation, one that struck a chord in my heart.
She talked about the mentoring program she has recently launched at Northside for the female youth leaders. As she told me which leader she had matched with different women in the church (yes, I did ask if she did so on all 29 dimensions of compatibility), and then she related to me how she would like a mentor as well. The dilemma being, however, that she needs one who will not only scratch the surface of life, but one that will be willing to dig into the deeper issues of life and how to live it with Christ.
It sounded funny to me, especially because I find myself at a somewhat similar place. I really do long for someone to talk to about my questions, someone who will help guide me back to the truth that is in my heart, but is clouded over with emotion. Someone removed from my situation, and yet who has been there themselves.
It struck me that during my formative years, I always had someone to talk to... my first Boss (who I call Boss), my RDs from Grace, and my hall mom, there was always someone there. But now that I'm graduated, moved away from many who I would feel comfortable approaching, and not connected to a church like I used to be, I wonder if finding a mentor for "life" is possible.
Maybe this point of my life is to point out the importance of having another, of having someone, someone who serves as a guide. I find these figures all throughout scripture (Eli to Samuel, Elizabeth to Mary, Moses to Joshua, etc.) and so I find myself asking, where is Eli? Where is Elizabeth? Where is my guide to help me navigate through the waves that crash and sweep across this life of mine? Or am I left only to appreciate my past and travel alone? Dr. Forbes was right, the longer you live, the less answers you have.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Smelling the Fragrance
I sometimes wonder if I'm weird. Not the kind of weird that is said jokingly, or in a way to brush off the last embarrassing moment that just passed, but the kind that makes you wonder if there's something missing, that maybe there's something wrong?
Now I haven't convinced myself just yet that I am completely off the deep end, but there are moments.
For example,
This past week I finally got up enough courage to tie my tennis shoes, don an old baggy sweatshirt, and took myself for a (*gulp*) run. This is not something that I enjoy by any means. My stomach ties itself into knots and wishes that I could just be invisible for the 45 minutes I spend making the big bad wolf's huffing and puffing seem like a gentle breeze compared to gusts that come out of my lungs. Anyways, this is the first time that I've ventured outside to exercise in Middlebury. I still haven't figured out the lay of the land, and so I start trotting down sidewalks, not really knowing where I'm going. And then I hear it, footsteps, not just one set, but multiple, and then I hear giggling... it's the girls track team. At this point I've already exhausted myself from actually running, and I'm just panting along as I continue my walk. I pull over to one side, and let them pass. I smile to myself, thinking of my brother who also runs track, and how I wish I could run for more than block. Eventually my self-conscious mind quiets down, and this is where things start to get... different.
The path that I've taken is a bike trail, and it leads past picnic tables, pavilions, and even a giant mushroom that has to be at least 30 feet tall. I smile to myself, wondering who made such a mushroom, and who decided that it would be a good edition to the local park. The path continues past these things and becomes a bridge. I stop. I just listen. The birds are back. It's raining, and the creek is playing a symphony of sound as each drop causes the slightest disturbance in the water's path. I become part of the sound, it fills me, and I drink it in. As the rain beats harder and my face is dripping, I head towards the pavilion and lie on one of the benches.
There the rain makes a different sound, and I close my eyes, and pray.
I'm filled with wonder, and I know that I've come back to a place that I have not visited in a while. There's peace here, I'm here. The real me, the one that acts like a little child and accepts things without hesitance. I breathe in the aroma of something bigger than me, and delight in its fragrance.
I bolt up, hearing something not so new. It was the track girls and their trainer. I smile a goofy smile, like a little girl who's just been caught putting on her mom's make-up. I roll my eyes to myself as they run by, and I make my way home wondering if I'm weird.
Now I haven't convinced myself just yet that I am completely off the deep end, but there are moments.
For example,
This past week I finally got up enough courage to tie my tennis shoes, don an old baggy sweatshirt, and took myself for a (*gulp*) run. This is not something that I enjoy by any means. My stomach ties itself into knots and wishes that I could just be invisible for the 45 minutes I spend making the big bad wolf's huffing and puffing seem like a gentle breeze compared to gusts that come out of my lungs. Anyways, this is the first time that I've ventured outside to exercise in Middlebury. I still haven't figured out the lay of the land, and so I start trotting down sidewalks, not really knowing where I'm going. And then I hear it, footsteps, not just one set, but multiple, and then I hear giggling... it's the girls track team. At this point I've already exhausted myself from actually running, and I'm just panting along as I continue my walk. I pull over to one side, and let them pass. I smile to myself, thinking of my brother who also runs track, and how I wish I could run for more than block. Eventually my self-conscious mind quiets down, and this is where things start to get... different.
The path that I've taken is a bike trail, and it leads past picnic tables, pavilions, and even a giant mushroom that has to be at least 30 feet tall. I smile to myself, wondering who made such a mushroom, and who decided that it would be a good edition to the local park. The path continues past these things and becomes a bridge. I stop. I just listen. The birds are back. It's raining, and the creek is playing a symphony of sound as each drop causes the slightest disturbance in the water's path. I become part of the sound, it fills me, and I drink it in. As the rain beats harder and my face is dripping, I head towards the pavilion and lie on one of the benches.
I'm filled with wonder, and I know that I've come back to a place that I have not visited in a while. There's peace here, I'm here. The real me, the one that acts like a little child and accepts things without hesitance. I breathe in the aroma of something bigger than me, and delight in its fragrance.
Giggles. Quieted voices.
I bolt up, hearing something not so new. It was the track girls and their trainer. I smile a goofy smile, like a little girl who's just been caught putting on her mom's make-up. I roll my eyes to myself as they run by, and I make my way home wondering if I'm weird.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
A New Start
For a while now, I have been hopping around from blog spot to blog spot... and I've found myself here, a new blog, and hopefully, a new start. I've been in search for the perfect place to record my thoughts, my musings (if you will) on life, and how mine is unfolding and turning out to be not quite what I expected.
There are advantages and draw backs to living an unexpected life. Some of the obvious advantages is that life is lived with a sense of excitement and adventure. I never know what new predicament I will find myself in. From mufflers falling off, to talking to sixth graders on why they shouldn't research the word "vagina" on school computers, my life is as unpredictable as they come. However, these humorous situations I sometimes find myself in, leave me wanting something more. Something more stable, something closer to my family, something that allows me to feel at peace with where God has sent me to serve.
I'm still searching for that peace, and I haven't quite found it yet. It perplexes me, as I know that there is purpose behind my placement, and yet I still question everything. This is something new to me. Never before have I questioned my life choices. Never have I called into question the character of God and his presence in my life. Never have I been in such a place as this. This perplexity disturbs me, and I want the wrestling match between my heart and head to stop. I want he bell to ring and have my head declared the winner. Then maybe, I will be able to hit the reset button on my grown up life and have everything play out the way it was meant to from the start.
I want a new start. One where my faith is strong, my mind is clear, and my heart full. This is the life I long for, this is the person I long to be, and yet the wrestling continues and I am left to question everything.
There are advantages and draw backs to living an unexpected life. Some of the obvious advantages is that life is lived with a sense of excitement and adventure. I never know what new predicament I will find myself in. From mufflers falling off, to talking to sixth graders on why they shouldn't research the word "vagina" on school computers, my life is as unpredictable as they come. However, these humorous situations I sometimes find myself in, leave me wanting something more. Something more stable, something closer to my family, something that allows me to feel at peace with where God has sent me to serve.
I'm still searching for that peace, and I haven't quite found it yet. It perplexes me, as I know that there is purpose behind my placement, and yet I still question everything. This is something new to me. Never before have I questioned my life choices. Never have I called into question the character of God and his presence in my life. Never have I been in such a place as this. This perplexity disturbs me, and I want the wrestling match between my heart and head to stop. I want he bell to ring and have my head declared the winner. Then maybe, I will be able to hit the reset button on my grown up life and have everything play out the way it was meant to from the start.
I want a new start. One where my faith is strong, my mind is clear, and my heart full. This is the life I long for, this is the person I long to be, and yet the wrestling continues and I am left to question everything.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
About Me
- Betsy W.
- A small town midwest educator, trying to figure out the mysteries of life through the help of the students who enter the door of my classroom and heart.